Home and my two angels

I once had a home.

Built with love and laughter,

Protected by two angels from the monsters of the world.

One of the angels wanted to see the world,

Left her home behind, seeking more love and care.

Little did she know, this world was full of monsters,

waiting to prey.

She got lost and never returned, turning our home into darkness.

We still live in that house,

waiting for her to return.

But the monsters have gotten a firm grip on her soul,

not wanting to let her free.

So here we are, trying to hold onto the memories.

Trying to fight the curse of this cruel world.

But while fighting the world, we forgot to look around.

Our home, filled with vulnerability and sadness.

Once our divine home, is now just a structure of bricks.

Lifeless and haunted.

Just like our souls.

We lost our angel and we lost our home sweet home.

Maybe now is the time to give up and give rest to our souls.

I hope that the angel finds the courage to come back.

Realizes her true potential, her strength.

Maybe I will be long gone by then,

and our home will be just ruins.

But I hope the other angel can still fight and survive,

Wait for the second angel to return.

Slowly build that home again, with the same love and laughter.

My soul will crave to see that day,

the day my home and two angels will be together, happy again.

Dark Clouds

I thought I found a ray of hope in you. That you were the sunshine I needed to end the darkness in my soul. But darkness doesn’t go this easily. It creeps into each and every corner, slowly making its home. Maybe I was so busy trying to remove the darkness from inside, that I never realized that slowly I am reverting it to you. How miserable I make you. I act as if I am a victim, a survivor. But maybe I am too shallow to be with someone. All the blaming, making you feel that you are the one at fault ;I am slowly pushing your sunshine behind the dark clouds.

You are already too much into it to realize that. Maybe you do realize that but you don’t have the courage to get out of it now. That you have decided to sink in it with me because you know there’s no going back. So it is on me. To either keep you with me, slowly snatching your peace. Or to let you go. So that you can find your happiness. You can find someone who will not be the dark clouds in your life. I know that you want me to be that person. But I can’t. I am way to damaged to fit into a normal life. Too exhausted of the bitterness buried inside me. So, you have to go. And I know I should let you go. Because those few moments of light gave me the strength that I craved for all my life. Even if my mind is still telling me to be selfish. My heart wants to let go now. Maybe I am not meant to have any ray of hope. Maybe I need to find my own way in this darkness, even if that means getting hurt a million times, I will choose it. Because sun does not deserve to lose its shine because of the dark clouds.

Finding my happiness: A myth

It is so funny how we meet people, trying to find happiness for ourselves and end up reaching a point where our whole existence is just to be where someone else’s happiness lies.

How we just neglect what we feel, how we feel, what we want and in that moment we just give everything up, everything we believe in just so others are at peace.

But now when I look back I feel that we always try to make others around us happy, thinking that this is where our happiness lies. It will get those beautiful memories back, those days which got you into this in the first place. And in this whole process, of trying to be calm, to be happy in their happiness we don’t even realize how it is suffocating us. Slowly and gradually, our own existence dies, little by little. And how we end up spending our lives, living a life we never signed up for.

Happiness is a tricky thing

Happiness is a tricky thing. One day you are sitting with a person, sipping coffee, giggles and laughter reverberating around you. The next thing you know is you sitting alone, looking at that empty seat next to you. Your hand wanting to be held, your lips wanting to feel the curve. Things change so quickly, happy days even if for years feel like a few minutes but the sad moments are the ones which never leave. It feels like a race where happy moments are the rabbit and the sad ones are tortoise, taking its time to leave. Slowly and gradually trying to win the race, and losing ourselves eventually.

Happiness is overwhelming. It is overwhelming when somewhere inside, you already knew that it is temporary. You knew that nothing lasts, but you decided to not think too much and be in the moment. But somewhere at the back of your head, you were dreading each and every happy moment. You had your guard down, even when you knew that you are slowly getting poisoned. The strong side in your head tried to aware you of the danger, of the risk. But your heart wanting to take a million risks, just for that temporary smile. And that every moment slowly ate you within, and today you are just living, reminiscing those days. Those temporary days, the happy face that took everything from you.

Happiness is a tricky thing. It is like a dream that makes you want to stay. But one day when you open your eyes, you realize that it was just an illusion.

But somewhere we all are warriors, fighting our own battles. With a smile pasted on our face we get up everyday even while crying a river inside. We get up so that nobody knows that we are broken inside. We don’t let anyone know that we are still waiting for those days to come back. That even when we are looking ahead, our eyes still keep secretly looking at that empty seat. We get up to survive, to stay alive in this world. To keep going and trying to learn how to not look back; until we accidently enter another illusion. And the trick continues, and the life goes on.

Today I realized the difference between reality and my happy dream. And it is killing me inside. I don’t know if I will be able to come out strong. I don’t know if I will survive this. Let us think of a moment when we just wanted to live in the moment. Even when we knew that it will hurt more when it ends, we decided to stay. To let the feeling of being happy slowly taking over our body and soul. And when that illusion ended, when those days were over. How did you get up again? How did you start laughing again? Or maybe you never did; then how did you survive again?

Somedays are just SOMEDAYS..

Some days are the worst. They make you feel so much more than you want to feel. You notice everything around you. The silence in the room makes you realise the emptiness inside your soul. Your body feels like a burden. A burden you want to let go off.

The air choking your lungs, you try to breathe harder. Deep breaths. In and out. Like a tornado of thoughts inside your head. Somedays are just brutal. Every second of that clock ticking on that wall, is like a time bomb. Waiting to explode. To take you with it.

Like an ocean, a deep wide ocean. And you are sinking.

You can ask for help. You can scream. But somedays you just don’t feel like doing anything. Everything is overwhelming.

So you stay, just the way you are. Like a corpse, looking at the sky and waiting for your body to finally sink in. To get relief from your aching heart. But you decide to stay still. Neither sinking nor moving away.

Just there, in that moment.

Because somedays are just tiring, but not the end. They are just there, to be there, to make you feel that somedays you don’t need to sink in or move away. You just need to stay. And trust. Yourself. And just let go. Because somedays it is okay to feel like not feeling anything.

Puzzle of life?

Puzzles are tricky. But when you finish them, they are perfect. One piece complementing the other. Smaller pieces making the larger parts perfect.

We all want to fit into somebody’s puzzle. You want to find your perfect match. The idea of perfection, everything they do fits, fascinates you. Now you are scared.Scared of being an outcast, you start moulding and changing shape according to what the puzzle wants.

Finally it looks like sorted. Like everything is in place. Now finally you are part of somebody else’s puzzle. You fit into their world and it’s just perfect!

But you left something behind. Your own puzzle. Yes! What about that? What about those empty parts that you shaped in such a way that it can never be the part of where they came from.Those places just remain empty, like voids. But it’s okay. Because you are finally at the perfect place. You both are happy. At peace.

But those voids, now they started poking you. Like a needle, going through your heart. Every time you look at that person all you see is sacrifice. Sacrifice of your own self. Sacrifice of your soul.

Now you look behind, you try to fit those pieces back into your own puzzle. And it doesn’t fit. You go and buy new pieces, but it is a mess. There are no pieces exactly that size. The perfect relation, seems imperfect to you. Now the void is deepening, it reached the core of your heart. And that emptiness took over your soul. So you give up. You go back to the perfect puzzle and try to act like you’re the perfect fit. You both hand in hand, become the goals. Like idols. It’s a perfect world. Soon you realised that it’s empty. So you keep smiling and let the void take over. Waiting for a day when your pieces turn back to it’s nascent shape back again. When the sun sets and the perfect world ends. And your perfect puzzle is no more existent. And somebody picks you up and puts into a new puzzle. Incomplete and imperfect, waiting to be someone’s puzzle.

But this time the puzzle will be yours. And the pieces will fit. Imperfectly into the puzzle. You smile again. But it’s not perfect. Now you are thinking, what if it’s not a perfect match? But then you are relieved because sometimes imperfect is what you need to be happy. So You took a deep sigh, waiting to be at content. To be in your own imperfect world, someday.

Is this a Story?

I wrote a poem three times in three different ways.

Still didn’t feel confident enough to press the publish button.

Am I just changing the lines in the poem or I am trying to change the story?

Maybe I am trying to portray my own side of the story. Fake or True? I don’t know.

Maybe It doesn’t even matter because who cares?

Everyone just wants a story. A good read. Something which stays with them.

A mystery… A thriller… An emotional appeal..

What about the stories which are simple, with simple endings.

Like I met a person on the street our eyes met and then we went our ways. Simple and short. But it has a story behind. Eyes met. What conversation did they have?

Maybe that today I woke up and I felt happy. That’s about it. No suspense. No Drama. Just happiness but a beautiful story of a happy start.

Every story has a meaning.

Maybe what I am typing also has a story behind it..

I am yet to figure that out.

A Broken heart.

Hearts break everyday. And that’s what it is.
And we can mend our hearts, right?
It just takes time. But does it get mended properly?
Can our heart love the way it used to?
But Even if it is not broken anymore, I can still see the broken joints on it. And then there’s this one part which is missing.
A small part.
I tried to find it everywhere.
I went back to the place it got shattered.
I searched everywhere but nothing.
Years have gone by, I am living with a mended heart.
A heart which has broken joints and one empty place.
A heart which doesn’t know how to love.
But a heart who knows how to exist.

It’s OKAY.

“Ye Dil Hi To Hai, Na Koi Sang-O-Kisht. Dard se Bhar na Aaye Kyun, Ham Royenge Hazaar Baar, Koi Hame Sataye Kyun.”
(It is but my heart, not made of marble. Why should it not get hurt? I will cry a thousand times over, no one should complaint to me about it.)
– Mirza ghalib

These lines written by Mirza Ghalib, one of the most influential persian poets of the seventeenth century. He is one of my favorites because his words are so pure that it can make you fall in love with the world he built.

These few lines are among my favorite because they are just so relatable to everything we go through. In this modern era of 21st century we are too busy showing that we are strong and emotionless. We all want to be politically correct. We all are the part of this never ending rat race where we don’t really hesitate to kill each other for our own good.

But under this hard core exterior, there is still a soul inside all of us. The soul which is dying to come out of this ruthless body. There is a heart, who knows how to laugh and smile. Who knows how to love. A heart who dances when he wants to. Laughs when he wants to. And cries when he wants to.

This body is so busy in earning the material benefits that it has forgotten the happiness in those small moments. Sadness in those heavy moments. It doesn’t feel anything. WHY?

Why we have to think twice before we cry? Why we accept the fate and never stand up against what is wrong? Why we choose to be the silent spectators?

JUST WHY?

It is okay to not feel okay. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be a loser in front of everyone. It is okay if you want to scream and let this world know what you really feel. Nobody can stop you now. It’s okay to let your soul and heart win.

It is OKAY to be a HUMAN.

Do you ever feel?

Do you ever feel like you are sacrificing too much? That you need to just stop. Stop and introspect. Are you losing yourself while taking care of others?

Do you ever feel that you want to scream at the top of your voice and let the whole world know about the tornado within you? But then you smile and you just keep smiling. Smiling your miseries away, maybe?

Do you ever feel that you need to complain more? Even you have the right to crib about things. But then you just decide to remain silent with this heavy heart of yours.

There are so many emotions within and they want to come out. Our mind needs to find its peace. Will we be able to find? Peace? Will we be ever be happy? Genuinely Happy.