My Heart & Me

**Why is it so hard to just be complete by ourselves? To not be dependent on someone else for your happiness? This is just my thoughts on why I need validation from others, telling me they love me. They want me. Why do I not want myself. Why do I not love myself. Why can I not be at home created by me.. My heart and me.**

There is a hole in my heart that keeps aching every now and then,

It calls for help every night when I try to sleep,

Craving to be filled, to be cured,

By someone who would love it despite its ugliness.

Every night it needs some validation,

For someone to hold it in their arms and say, “You are not alone, You are home.”

Someone to make it feel at peace.

But its not that easy, is it?

Because that hole keeps getting bigger and bigger,

Never gets fulfilled.

Never gets healed, and continues to bleed.

Where did I get that wound from? When did it become a hole?

When did I lose myself into loving others so much,

That I forgot how to cure myself, on my own?

So while every night this heart craves for you to come and stay,

I will let it bleed.

I will let it stay open, and cry every night.

Until it doesn’t need anyone to be at ease.

And finally once it stops crying for help,

When it is too tired to scream every night,

I will put a hand on it and cure it myself,

Every night, little by little,

Just me and my wounded heart,

Learning to be by ourselves, loving each other again,

Because no matter how many stitches it gets from outside,

The only way for it to heal is to be at home,

A home for eternity,

Just two wounded soldiers,

My heart and me..

What do you call those days?

Those days.. when we were close,

When life was simple,

When things were right,

When your hand was in mine.

Those days when you were happy

When I was at peace,

When you taught me how to love.

To be loved,

To be me, myself.

Those days when we peaked at each other,

through that window pane, scared that someone might see

Someone might know

about the love in between.

Those days, when I felt your touch,

when your smooth skin rubbed against mine,

and the butterflies in my stomach,

when those were hard to define.

Those days.. When you kissed me for the first time,

And then your face, my sunshine.

Those days, what do we call those days,

When you told me to wait,

Wait for you to come, to hold my hand again

And when I stayed. and stayed..

When that bus stand became my home,

When I came and sat there everyday,

Those were the days,

When you never came,

Those days of darkness,

What do we call those days,

And when those days are locked inside my heart,

but today when I saw you in that mart

When your kid held my hand,

And asked me, ‘Have you seen my dad?’

I looked over, when you smiled, tearing apart.

When those days felt like yesterday,

And when you were again Just mine.

When that moment was just for a minute,

but felt like a lifetime.

What do we call those days?

Those days that never stayed.

When you and me and those days,

Just made sense.

But now I am here, looking at you.

When I feel our love again,

But you are walking towards that door,

And you waved goodbye,

and I smile. Knowing you left.

But what do we call those days,

When I just stayed and stayed,

But you never left. You never came.

What do we call those days?

When I waited for you to say,

“Let’s never meet again.”

Somedays are just SOMEDAYS..

Some days are the worst. They make you feel so much more than you want to feel. You notice everything around you. The silence in the room makes you realise the emptiness inside your soul. Your body feels like a burden. A burden you want to let go off.

The air choking your lungs, you try to breathe harder. Deep breaths. In and out. Like a tornado of thoughts inside your head. Somedays are just brutal. Every second of that clock ticking on that wall, is like a time bomb. Waiting to explode. To take you with it.

Like an ocean, a deep wide ocean. And you are sinking.

You can ask for help. You can scream. But somedays you just don’t feel like doing anything. Everything is overwhelming.

So you stay, just the way you are. Like a corpse, looking at the sky and waiting for your body to finally sink in. To get relief from your aching heart. But you decide to stay still. Neither sinking nor moving away.

Just there, in that moment.

Because somedays are just tiring, but not the end. They are just there, to be there, to make you feel that somedays you don’t need to sink in or move away. You just need to stay. And trust. Yourself. And just let go. Because somedays it is okay to feel like not feeling anything.

Puzzle of life?

Puzzles are tricky. But when you finish them, they are perfect. One piece complementing the other. Smaller pieces making the larger parts perfect.

We all want to fit into somebody’s puzzle. You want to find your perfect match. The idea of perfection, everything they do fits, fascinates you. Now you are scared.Scared of being an outcast, you start moulding and changing shape according to what the puzzle wants.

Finally it looks like sorted. Like everything is in place. Now finally you are part of somebody else’s puzzle. You fit into their world and it’s just perfect!

But you left something behind. Your own puzzle. Yes! What about that? What about those empty parts that you shaped in such a way that it can never be the part of where they came from.Those places just remain empty, like voids. But it’s okay. Because you are finally at the perfect place. You both are happy. At peace.

But those voids, now they started poking you. Like a needle, going through your heart. Every time you look at that person all you see is sacrifice. Sacrifice of your own self. Sacrifice of your soul.

Now you look behind, you try to fit those pieces back into your own puzzle. And it doesn’t fit. You go and buy new pieces, but it is a mess. There are no pieces exactly that size. The perfect relation, seems imperfect to you. Now the void is deepening, it reached the core of your heart. And that emptiness took over your soul. So you give up. You go back to the perfect puzzle and try to act like you’re the perfect fit. You both hand in hand, become the goals. Like idols. It’s a perfect world. Soon you realised that it’s empty. So you keep smiling and let the void take over. Waiting for a day when your pieces turn back to it’s nascent shape back again. When the sun sets and the perfect world ends. And your perfect puzzle is no more existent. And somebody picks you up and puts into a new puzzle. Incomplete and imperfect, waiting to be someone’s puzzle.

But this time the puzzle will be yours. And the pieces will fit. Imperfectly into the puzzle. You smile again. But it’s not perfect. Now you are thinking, what if it’s not a perfect match? But then you are relieved because sometimes imperfect is what you need to be happy. So You took a deep sigh, waiting to be at content. To be in your own imperfect world, someday.

A Broken heart.

Hearts break everyday. And that’s what it is.
And we can mend our hearts, right?
It just takes time. But does it get mended properly?
Can our heart love the way it used to?
But Even if it is not broken anymore, I can still see the broken joints on it. And then there’s this one part which is missing.
A small part.
I tried to find it everywhere.
I went back to the place it got shattered.
I searched everywhere but nothing.
Years have gone by, I am living with a mended heart.
A heart which has broken joints and one empty place.
A heart which doesn’t know how to love.
But a heart who knows how to exist.

Urdu poetry with Translation.

“Dilo ki hera-feri me,

Kyu najaane meri rooh khafa si lagti hai. 

Sanaate me rehne ki najaane aadat si usko lagti hai. 

Sifar sa ye khwaab aaj toota sa kuch lag rha hai,

Uss lamhe me jaake sab bhooladene ko dil karta hai,

Magar ek Maazi hie toh hai jo aaj tk haath pakade khara hai

Insaan toh kabka Tanhah karke Alvida keh chuka hai. 

Phir Maazi se kya Ranjish rakhni.

Jab yehi zindagi ka Dastoor sa ban gya hai. 

Malaal bs iss baatka hai ki apne maazi ko hum mustakbil na kar sake. 

Jo lafz rooh ko hazaar bar sunaaye the, 

Vo lafz kabhi zubaan tk na la sake. 

Dilo ki Hera-feri honi thi so hogyi. 

Rooh kab tk Khamoshi me simti rhegi?

Zara ab dono apni talkhiyan bhulaakr phir ek jaan si hojaaye. 

Dil aur rooh mere maazi ki tarah mere sath do kadam yuhi chal le. 

Iss shor se dur ek duniya me, mai, mera dil aur meri rooh.

Tahaffuz rhe.

Bs yehi dua hai.. Bs yehi dua hai. 

---

English Translation:

When our hearts are confused,

Why does my soul feel so broken?

Why is she just hiding there in silence?

The infinite dreams that we saw, look so broken today.

I want to go back in our past and erase every memory.

But then, Our past is the only one still holding my hand.

And You left me alone and bid goodbye. ..

Then why should I be upset with my past?

When life has destined to be like this,

I Regret that we could not make our future as beautiful as our past,

Those words which I confessed to my soul, a thousand times,

Why they never came out in front of you?

Hearts got broken, yes they did.

But till when will my soul be trapped in this torturous silence?

My heart and soul, please forget all the hatred.

My heart and soul, please hold my hand just like my past did. 

Far away from this noise, Me, My heart and My soul. 

Just stay protected. 

That’s the only wish. The only wish I want…

What is this world from your eyes?

The way I see the world is not the way you see it.
Is it because we have different eyes or different souls?
I see the world more colourful and you see the world mere combination of blacks and whites.
Then how did our hearts connected?
How did our eyes meet?
From those hundreds of people in the bar.
You saw me and I saw you.
Are we meant to complete eachother?
Or is it a sign of despair.
Am I meant to add colours to your life,
Or Are you meant to make me understand the importance of black and whites?
What is this world from your eyes?
I would never know.
But In the world I belong to.
There is no place for black and whites.
Maybe a grey will do…

It’s OKAY.

“Ye Dil Hi To Hai, Na Koi Sang-O-Kisht. Dard se Bhar na Aaye Kyun, Ham Royenge Hazaar Baar, Koi Hame Sataye Kyun.”
(It is but my heart, not made of marble. Why should it not get hurt? I will cry a thousand times over, no one should complaint to me about it.)
– Mirza ghalib

These lines written by Mirza Ghalib, one of the most influential persian poets of the seventeenth century. He is one of my favorites because his words are so pure that it can make you fall in love with the world he built.

These few lines are among my favorite because they are just so relatable to everything we go through. In this modern era of 21st century we are too busy showing that we are strong and emotionless. We all want to be politically correct. We all are the part of this never ending rat race where we don’t really hesitate to kill each other for our own good.

But under this hard core exterior, there is still a soul inside all of us. The soul which is dying to come out of this ruthless body. There is a heart, who knows how to laugh and smile. Who knows how to love. A heart who dances when he wants to. Laughs when he wants to. And cries when he wants to.

This body is so busy in earning the material benefits that it has forgotten the happiness in those small moments. Sadness in those heavy moments. It doesn’t feel anything. WHY?

Why we have to think twice before we cry? Why we accept the fate and never stand up against what is wrong? Why we choose to be the silent spectators?

JUST WHY?

It is okay to not feel okay. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be a loser in front of everyone. It is okay if you want to scream and let this world know what you really feel. Nobody can stop you now. It’s okay to let your soul and heart win.

It is OKAY to be a HUMAN.

A devil named MAN

Red blood dripping,

Silence everywhere.

Rocking Chair moving.

The house echoed with laughter and flirting.

Wine opened, glasses clinked.

On the other side of the wall,

She crawled to a corner,

trying to hide her face.

Face covered with cuts and bruises.

Eye swelled up.

Mirror laughing.

From the opposite corner,

A picture of the devil staring at her.

The floor covered with glass.

Shattered with her broken heart.

Her soul shivering with her body.

It was a happy day outside.

She looked at the Devil’s picture.

She smiled. This is what she chose for herself.

Blood dripping more.

Finally she is in peace.

Do you ever feel?

Do you ever feel like you are sacrificing too much? That you need to just stop. Stop and introspect. Are you losing yourself while taking care of others?

Do you ever feel that you want to scream at the top of your voice and let the whole world know about the tornado within you? But then you smile and you just keep smiling. Smiling your miseries away, maybe?

Do you ever feel that you need to complain more? Even you have the right to crib about things. But then you just decide to remain silent with this heavy heart of yours.

There are so many emotions within and they want to come out. Our mind needs to find its peace. Will we be able to find? Peace? Will we be ever be happy? Genuinely Happy.