(This series of letters are letters to my self. Letters I always wanted to say but was too afraid to accept. I will be sharing everything without any filter. Just in a hope that I am not alone to feel this way.. That I am also normal in an abnormal world. )
All my life I have tried so hard to fit in. Fit into this world, into my family. Be able to enjoy and be happy. Since I was a kid all I wanted was to people appeciate my presence. That I add value to their life, that I am wanted. Just my family actually. People say that being the youngest child comes with a lot of perks. You are the most pampered one. You are their favorite. I used to see children my age at parties being a brat and still their parents hovering around them as if their world was just that one evil kid. And I, you would never be able to find me, you really had to look around the room. So let’s try that out. Try to look under that table full of gifts, covered with a cloth. No, actually I wasn’t that weird also. But just next to it there is a corner with a few empty chairs. And there I was, sitting and looking around. My heart pumping really fast out of anxiety that someone might see me. Might want me to be a part of that musical chairs, or that dance face off. I just wanted to disappear. Just then I heard my mom calling me and saying, “Why don’t you participate? Go act like kids your age.” I shaking my head just kept sitting, my eyes fixed at the top of my shoes. I remember she trying to drag me there, *To have fun*. And me about to break, I just left her hand and went back to that chair. I could feel the disappointment even without looking at her face. She came to me and said, “Stop acting like a bore, like you are a 90 years old. Why can’t you be like other kids? Such a burden.” and left.
So I guess that is enough introduction about me, way better than me telling me about how old I am, where I am from or what I have achieved in my life. I genuinely don’t think all those things actually define us. They are just a way to hide what we truly are. And I guess I wanted to achieve things only so I could hide myself. So that even if I am boring or ugly or a bad person, people will still stay with me because of all those things I have achieved. Yeah so all my life I have tried to make my parents proud. So that even I get to see my mother’s smiling face briming with pride. That was always my incentive, driving me towards things. I have tried my hand on everything that my sister did. Be it dancing, singing, debates, I tried to enjoy everything that she did. So that they don’t think that I am different. But I always failed, I was never good in any of them. I was never able to focus on them because they never made me happy. And even at the age of 6, I could see that I was never able to make my mom happy. Honestly, I don’t blame them. I wasn’t a easy child either. I was never the normal one. I was never able to say what I feel or cry in front of them or tell them how my day went, what I did. I just never opened up. I can not explain how many times I had words in my mouth but they never came out. Repeating them in my head a billion times, but was never able to get them out. I still don’t know why. I don’t know what I was so afraid of. Maybe I blame my parents for my sadness but that’s not it. That never was. Because they never knew that I was sad, that I was depressed. They never knew what I was feeling because I just became so good at hiding what I feel that they never knew their daughter was dying inside. Then how can I blame them? Maybe I was meant to be like this because it wasn’t them who made me sad. I was already a sad kid, trying to fit in. Trying to be a part of this world..
To be continued…
Imperfections 